Today we celebrated our nephew's third birthday. He is the best of nephews and a great 'big Cousin' to Max and Lily.
His birth day is more poignant to us, as this was the same day that we got our results back that confirmed that that i could never have or carry John's children. So we did what many others have done before us, we put on a brave face, celebrated the birth of the first Grandchild in John's family, while everyone talked about us being next.We left with smiles on our faces and spend the next two hours in the carpark crying, sobbing, screaming in silence. Gasping for air over and over again; of what could have been, what should have been. I didn't think my heart could be more broken. John just kept on telling me he loved me, over and over again, trying to make this better.
This impacted on everything for us and to my shame, on our relationship with our nephew and my sister in law. For the first time we kept secrets from our families.
In 2010,we were full of hope when both our surrogates became pregnant only to discover my sister in law was also pregnant, literally within days of us; a dream come true for all of us. It's an old story now; both surrogates miscarried and we lived through what could have been, with John's sister's pregnancy.
I knew we were cursed when we lost our second baby days before by best friends wedding to which i volunteered to look after some little ones. So, for what seemed the longest time, we were broken, i was broken.Things got worse, failed FET, dead sperm, no sperm. F***!!!
Our families didn't know what to do to make this better, i forced myself to speak about our SIL pregnancy, because if i didn't, no one else would. Their guilt was ever present,a mirror to our grief ,... then eventually a nugget of hope. So dim, so distant with John determined to magnify it.
So today, we celebrated the birth of our nephew, as the much loved Auntie, gossiping with my friend, John's sister, watching our four children play together being supervised by their Grandparents.
I do look at our youngest nephew and occasionally there is a ache of what could have been, I look at John, he knows and tries to make it better with a squeeze of a hand, and brushes away the almost tear that threatens to emerge. Circumstances prevail, and we are both quickly overwhelmed with what is and what we have.
Miracles do happen.
His birth day is more poignant to us, as this was the same day that we got our results back that confirmed that that i could never have or carry John's children. So we did what many others have done before us, we put on a brave face, celebrated the birth of the first Grandchild in John's family, while everyone talked about us being next.We left with smiles on our faces and spend the next two hours in the carpark crying, sobbing, screaming in silence. Gasping for air over and over again; of what could have been, what should have been. I didn't think my heart could be more broken. John just kept on telling me he loved me, over and over again, trying to make this better.
This impacted on everything for us and to my shame, on our relationship with our nephew and my sister in law. For the first time we kept secrets from our families.
In 2010,we were full of hope when both our surrogates became pregnant only to discover my sister in law was also pregnant, literally within days of us; a dream come true for all of us. It's an old story now; both surrogates miscarried and we lived through what could have been, with John's sister's pregnancy.
I knew we were cursed when we lost our second baby days before by best friends wedding to which i volunteered to look after some little ones. So, for what seemed the longest time, we were broken, i was broken.Things got worse, failed FET, dead sperm, no sperm. F***!!!
Our families didn't know what to do to make this better, i forced myself to speak about our SIL pregnancy, because if i didn't, no one else would. Their guilt was ever present,a mirror to our grief ,... then eventually a nugget of hope. So dim, so distant with John determined to magnify it.
So today, we celebrated the birth of our nephew, as the much loved Auntie, gossiping with my friend, John's sister, watching our four children play together being supervised by their Grandparents.
I do look at our youngest nephew and occasionally there is a ache of what could have been, I look at John, he knows and tries to make it better with a squeeze of a hand, and brushes away the almost tear that threatens to emerge. Circumstances prevail, and we are both quickly overwhelmed with what is and what we have.
Miracles do happen.
You really are an inspiration! I agree - miracles do happen. Congratulations to your lucky nephew!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post, Margarida!
ReplyDeleteWe're still holding onto to that thought.... Miracles do happen.
ReplyDeleteMiracles do! We are hoping ours continues as well.
ReplyDelete